


No Matter Your Gender, I Love You The Same

by TheatreDumbass



Series: Transgender Eddie [1]
Category: IT (2017)
Genre: Acceptance, Bisexual Beverly Marsh, Break Up, Fluff, Gay, Gender Dysphoria, God I hate tagging, Happy Ending, IT AU, M/M, Pure, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie is only soft for Eddie, Slight Beverly and Eddie, Trans AU, Trans Character, Trans Eddie Kaspbrak, Transgender, but it’s middle school so like, but it’s realistic, but okay, except I didn’t have friends or a boyfriend, i don’t make the rules, oh right, slight angst, soft, some of these are my personal experience, trans it au, transgender Eddie Kaspbrak, well I did but he didn’t react the way Richie did
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-28 13:58:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19813732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheatreDumbass/pseuds/TheatreDumbass
Summary: Ellen was never suppose to be this thing. She isn’t suppose to be a she. And she knows it. While having a panic attack she ends up confessing her gender identity and her feelings to her best friend, Richie Tozier.-OR-Trans Eddie growing up au





	No Matter Your Gender, I Love You The Same

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Just a warning this might trigger dysphoria for all my trans folks. Idk it’s highly unlikely, it triggered my Dysphoria but I’m a sensitive bitch so

Ellen. The word put a dagger into her heart every time she heard that stupid stupid name. It never fit right. When she was younger she tried to rename herself. Like Elizabeth or Leslie to a name that sounded prettier but she never really liked them.

She always likes to call herself Eli or Eddie. She couldn’t decide which one she liked more. But she knew she just liked boy names more.

In elementary school she would always have to wear dresses and skirts. The school had a uniform and a strict dress code. She really hated the dresses and skirts. It didn’t feel right. Thankfully when middle school started, Ellen was only allowed to wear pants or shorts, no girl was allowed to wear dresses or skirts. 

In fifth grade she got her period. She hated it, it was disgusting. Just big mess of cool aid in her underwear, yucky. It didn’t help she was developing breasts much quicker than other girls. That made her wanna scream.

One time Beverly wanted to paint her nails, do her makeup, and hair for the school dance in 8th grade. She got asked by her best friend of 9 years, Richie Tozier and she happily agreed. But when Beverly was done with everything, she broke down crying. Her long brown hair was curly, she had winged eyeliner and a glittery lip gloss, her nails were painted purple to match her long purple dress. She looked beautiful.

But that’s not what she wanted. She wanted to look handsome.

“Oh god Ellie! I’m so sorry if it looks bad!” Beverly apologized. Ellie shook her head.

“No- it’s just..I don’t..I don’t wanna look beautiful I wanna look handsome..” It was the first time she admitted out loud and it scared her.

“Oh..” Beverly got up and looked in her closet. “You should’ve said that from the start silly.” 

“W-What..?” She looked up, wiping her face that had smeared make up on it.

“We could’ve saved so much time.” She sighed. Finally she pulled out a red button up and black jeans. “This is the most guy looking thing I have.” 

“Y-You’re not mad?” She stood up looking out the fit.

“God no! Besides, this is much more your style.” Beverly smiled. Ellen hugged her tight, thanking her.

The red button up was a bit big so she had to tuck it in. All the make up was removed and her nails were clear now. Beverly decided to cut Ellen’s hair, she had experience with that. Ellen knew her mom would be furious but as her brown hair fell to the ground, she couldn’t care less. Her long curly brown hair that once ended at her elbow, now ended at her ear.

“Do you think Richie will like it?” Ellen asked nervously and Beverly shrugged.

“Who cares? You look amazing, handsome. If he doesn’t like it, he can go fuck himself.” Beverly said and Ellen laughed.

When Ellen walked in her eyes looked around for Richie, Beverly went to go talk to Bill. Her heart was hammering in her chest, fear that Richie would yell at her for looking like some dyke.

“Hey.”

Ellen turned around to see Richie behind her and her heart swelled. But panic set in as Richie eyed her up and down, confusion in his eyes.

“That’s a new look.” Richie said, chuckling slightly.

“Yeah I- I know..Do you hate it?” Ellen asked.

“No. Just wasn’t expecting it, you look really different. Almost like a boy.” Richie said.

“Really?” Eddie smiled. It was the happiest Eddie felt in a while, maybe in forever. “You don’t..You don’t care that I look like a boy?” 

“No, you’re still a girl.” Richie smiled. Ouch. At the her smile fell at the realization that she was in fact, still a girl. Ellen knew he meant it in the nicest way possible but it didn’t help, it made everything worse. And Richie seemed to notice. “Ellie? Are you okay?” Ellen tried to speak but she walked out the school and into the parking lot. She sat down on a bench and started crying.

God she hated herself. She ruined Richie’s night with all these stupid fantasies, wishing she was a he, wishing Ellen was Eddie instead.

“Ellen.” She looked up to see Richie extremely confused and she couldn’t blame him.

“Hi.” She responded. Richie sat down next to her with a frown on his face. 

“Do..Do you not like me that way..?” Richie asked sadly. “Did you say yes out of pity? Are you regretting it? It’s okay if you are, you don’t have to like me. Or like, are you lesbian for Bev?”

“What? No, no, no.” Ellen shook her head and sighed. “I like you so much Richie Tozier.”

“Then why are you acting so weird?” Richie asked.

“You wouldn’t understand..” Ellen mumbled.

“Well..make me understand then.” Richie pleaded. When she didn’t respond Richie sighed and pulled a rose out of his jacket. “I got this for you.”

Ellen smiled and took the rose. “Thank you, Richie.” Richie nodded.

“I think you look beautiful tonight Eleanor.” Richie said.

It was right then and there Ellen knew she wasn’t a girl. The full name stung, worse than Ellen. Being called beautiful instead of handsome felt vile. As much as she liked Richie, she had to figure out what was wrong with her before she could act on her feelings.

“I think we should just stay friends.”

“Oh.”

And that was that. Richie went back inside and Ellen cried until the dance was over.

Ever since that day Ellen was determined to figure out what was wrong with her. Her first thought that she was a lesbian.

In the summer before freshman year she was hanging out with Beverly. They were listening to music when Ellen asked the question.

“Will you kiss me?”

“Why?” Beverly asked confused.

“I wanna see if I’m a lesbian.” Ellen said.

“Wouldn’t you just like, know?” She asked and Ellen shrugged.

So Beverly agreed and they kissed. Ellen was right about one thing, she definitely was not a lesbian. But that was when Beverly came out as bisexual.

One day during freshman year she was hanging out with Richie. He was playing video games and Ellen was on her phone. She was scrolling through tumblr on the LGBT tag when something caught her eye

“I’m trapped in the wrong body and it sucks. Majorly. I hate being transgender so much. Why couldn’t I have a female brain or a male body? Sign. Can’t wait for the day I can start testosterone.

#transgender #ftm #trans #ftmtrans”

Ellen’s eyes widened at the thought of being trapped in the wrong body. That was a thing? From there she found out what gender dysphoria was, testosterone, top and bottom surgery, and so much more. It suddenly made sense.

Ellen couldn’t really tell the difference between gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia. That is until one day she was looking at her chest in the mirror.

Her chest didn’t feel like having “boobs”. It felt like it was just two bags of fat filled with blood and milk. 

She realized she wasn’t insecure about her body, she wanted to match it to what his brain was, male. 

He came out to Beverly first during the beginning of sophomore year. Beverly’s response was “No shit.” He realized he loved the name Eddie and wanted to go by that. So when they were alone, Beverly would call him Eddie. He was the closest with Beverly and Richie, so he was fucking terrified to tell Richie.

He came out to him when sophomore year was ending. It was around 2 am and he was having a panic attack. When Richie first found out Eddie got panic attacks, he told him to call him every time it happened, saying he would be over immediately no matter what. Eddie was a little shocked but none the less would still do it.

The only problem was Eddie either had panic attacks about his mother, self harm, or suicidal thoughts, which is what Richie knew about. This time he was having a panic attack because of his dysphoria. For the first time since he knew he was trans, he was dysphoric about everything. Some days it would be his chest, or his voice, or his figure but right now dysphoria was hitting him like a truck.

So obviously Eddie couldn’t call Richie because Richie didn’t have a single clue he was trans! But Eddie knew Richie would still help him so..

When Richie answered Eddie was sobbing and Richie quickly said, “I’ll be right over.” 

10 minutes later Eddie was sobbing into Richie’s chest. Richie had one arm wrapped around him and the other rubbing patterns on his back with his thumb. Richie had his head resting on top of Eddie’s.

“What’s wrong Ellie?” Richie asked and it only made him sob harder. “Tap.”

They developed a system when Eddie was having a panic attack. One tap for his mother, two taps for self harm thoughts, three taps for suicidal thoughts, and four taps for something else that was triggering a panic attack.

Eddie tapped on his chest four times and Richie’s grip tightened. “Okay. Can you speak?” Sometimes when his panic attacks got really bad, he would stutter and it would end up making things worse. Eddie shook his head. “Eleanor please give me a clue on what’s wrong-”

“Don’t call me that!” Eddie screamed. Eddie shocked himself at the face he could speak. 

“What? Why not?” Richie asked. Eddie realized he fucked up and it caused him to start shaking.

The worst panic attack he’d experienced was when he was crying, couldn’t breath, shaking, couldn’t speak, and ended up throwing up. (This actually happened to me and it was the worst.)

“Okay okay, what do you want me to call you?” Richie asked.

“Eddie..” Eddie hiccuped. 

“Eddie? That’s a boys name?” Richie said confused.

“Please..” Eddie begged. 

“Okay..Okay Eddie.” Eddie sighed happily and he noticed he wasn’t crying as hard anymore, just small tears going down. “You..You always look so..handsome..?” Richie was trying to make sure he said the right thing and Richie was pretty sure he knew what was going on.

“Oh my god.” Eddie laughed happily and nuzzled against Richie’s chest. “Please keep saying things like that.”

“My handsome best friend.” Richie cooed, running his fingers in Eddie’s hair. “Eddie..you’re a boy, aren’t you?”

“Suppose to be..” Eddie mumbled and Richie let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Wanna be..”

“You are.” Richie said. Eddie smiled happily, clinging to his shirt. 

“I love you Richie.” Eddie confessed, meaning it more than friendship. 

“I love you too Eddie.” Richie said but Eddie shook his head.

“No, I mean, more than friends. But I know you don’t feel the same because I’m a boy and you’re-”

“Bisexual.” Richie interrupted.

“You..You’re What?” Eddie said shocked.

“I don’t care what gender you are Eddie, I’ve always loved you and I don’t think I’ll ever stop. If you’re a boy, that means I love a boy. That means I like boys and girls. I’m bisexual.” Richie said.

“Well- yes, yes it does.” Eddie smiled. “Are you sure you like boys? Are you sure you aren’t just like, not realizing I wanna get surgery, start hormones and all that?”

“I once had a wet dream that we fucked and you were a cis male. I’m pretty sure.” Richie smiled, making Eddie laugh. “Be my boyfriend?”

“Yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> Anyone want a part two where Eddie has to come out to the other losers and his family? If two people ask for it I’ll do it lmao


End file.
